She wants revenge, on the world and on men. She can take it out on me.

She’s got so much love, and it’s all bottled up. She can take it out for me.

You know the weapons she holds. You know the violence she controls, and she’s saving it for me.

One day she’ll show us all her laugh (same day the world shows us collapse), and the joke will be on me.

The sting of abstinence is more than I can bare. I need my drug of choice to make me feel myself. Fiendish torture warms the blood in my head.

Right now I’m craving her more than words can say. Just a couple hits and all this tension leaves my mind. But she’s a temptress and she knows how to break me.

And I’ll admit that I’m an addict. I can’t imagine life without her special power.

At first she turns me on, to flights of enlightenment. Then I abuse her, and she leaves me in her fog. I grow too weak, too tired, too poor, to feel her magic.

I can’t begin to tell how much she’s done to hurt me, and I can’t begin to tell how much she’s done to help me.

My bed still smells of you. I should’ve learned from you, should’ve cared, should’ve been there to hold you, but you wouldn’t have let me anyway.  You put up your signals, you give up your challenges, and I obey. You know all my weaknesses, you think you know my faults.  Well I know all your weaknesses, I think I know your faults.

I am no hero, no superpowers, no magic armor, no saving of the day, but I would love her better than anyone else can.

I always make the same mistakes. I have no faith to guide me. I have no true knowledge but I would love her better than anyone else can.

I want to fit in, be cool, but the work begins to break me. Too stubborn I continue: acting, living, forgetting, repeating, emotions projected are being confused, expectations slip further away, but I would love her better than anyone else can.

Ridiculous and forever broken heart. Is there anything left? It didn’t make any sense. I better start working on the stories I tell, but I keep writing down streams of cloudy consciousness.

I always hate waking. My synapses come alive and reach the understanding that in my awakened state, she is not real and will never be. I do my best to forget her, but once again I dream. 

She haunts me in her absences. So ready to be all that I am for her, but I’ve been gambling with my time without end. I’ve got it in my head that if I keep spinning I will pull her in; but will she touch me gently or come crashing?  She will either save me or destroy me. I’ve always felt unworthy, but now I have her right where I want her. So I won’t be any kind of attracted, I’ll be a little bit distracted, follow instincts and emotions, in this moment take her by the hand, make her mine, fall again into this ancient love.

I am no master planner, no solid future for me, no method of survival, but I would love you better than anyone else can. 

I have no way to find you. My dreams deceive and tease me. Time is shifting, passing swiftly, wicked wounds inflicting all your burning glances, and I never find the words. You rarely see my nature, and I miss all my chances. Concealing feelings, fighting reactions, torn between your variations… 

(fierce company…) and I find out what it means to be tortured by circumstance. A wild fire just within my reach. The way she dances, so adoring, betraying all the rules I paved. Her footsteps upon them soften the clay, creating cracks until they crumble. Ground to powder once again, she scoops it up in her hands, careful not to spill the precious cargo being saved.  My own religion, mixed up in her grasp. She places my faith on a plate in front of her with grace, but she doesn’t know that it’s seasoned with a taste that proves I would love her better than anyone else can.

(Learn how to be alone.)

She thrust herself into my world. I didn’t mind, but I warned her not to lie.

…

Ruby bloom with bruised eyes, watch me. Sacred tune with dark waves, wash over me. Clean my soul if I have one, and if I don’t… let me go. Then she showed me love. Then she took it away. How many people exist between you and me? You could lie so well, and I told you I’d erase you. I swore that I would become  my own god.

We all have talents and skills, and a will to work our minds, live our lives, and to dream, but the modern world wasn’t built for him. “It pushes down on us, with what it wants us to be.”  So he struggled, and he learned how to behave. “It’s not fair, it’s not just, and it’s full of pain.” (And we are capable of more than we are led to believe.) So he found his way, instead of getting lost in dreams of fame and popularity, he hid his tracks; changed his plans. (He still has the demon at his back.) He hopes that she won’t find him and hopes that it’s over now.

Years pass. He changes shape. A mighty god he has become. His kingdom rules all worlds, but time is the one thing he can’t understand. It keeps bringing her back to him. So he built large dimensions of control at his love’s expense. Tore down threats to feeling numb and selfish. Swung violently between being in control and being terrified and hungry and bitter. (He wants one more day of letting her burn the rest of his defenses down.) Spells cast haunt the proper way to carry out his plans to learn her methods. He gets lost and he stumbles, and he learns that even a god can fall.